Me When I Do Something about Doing Something . . .

I woke up this morning with a genuine fear response that I can't really explain. It lingered here with me for about two or three minutes out of nowhere. It was a pretty odd feeling.

As I sat there gripped with fear for no reason, I had a lot of thoughts run through my head and one of them was about how much I hate EverQuest for sucking away so much of my time, but I think that was mostly just a reflection of how two or three things (outside of my new, reborn EverQuest Addiction) are stressing me out. Not EverQuest itself.

Yeah, it probably wasn't fear. I'm going to say it was probably stress that just finally manifested at the weirdest moment about 30 minutes before I was supposed to actually wake up . . . and THAT has been bothering me all day.

1. Blaugust stresses me out. I put everything on hold for it, and I don't know why I care so much about posting every day. I shouldn't! Literally people sign up and never post anything. Why should I care? I shouldn't!
2. I've been asked to give a ten-minute talk in church on Sunday. I haven't even started writing it, and that's stressing me out. I really need to just unplug and focus to get this done. I used to be in Toastmasters, so public speaking matters to me. I'm typically not one of those that just gets up and reads off a paper.
3. I signed up to showcase and talk about one of my songs and my album I've been working on called Cosmic Radiation and Bad Luck. This is for a group art night at the cancer institute this coming Wednesday. I shouldn't stress about this, but it's stressing me out. I've listened to the song 20 times, made a handout for it, thought about it waaaaaaay too much for a little art gathering of cancer patients.
4. I had to shift my whole infusion schedule around because I had COVID, so that's been delayed a week . . . and that's stressing me out. My brain latched on to that delaying treatment for a week and started going crazy. STOP BRAIN, STOPPP!
5. I came back to work yesterday with a mask on (out of an abundance of caution) and people were stressing out seeing me wear a mask . . . which stressed me out enough that I asked the big boss if I could just go work from home for the day, which I did.
6. Work in general is stressing me for some reason. Missing a couple days, fear of failing, an encroaching deadline . . . you know how it is, but I'm going to be fine . . . it's just all in my head.
7. I missed D&D because of the COVID. It's a stress reliever for me. (Much like video games are a stress reliever for me.)
8. I have a video game project I've been solo dev'ing. I've paused working on it now for about three weeks, and that's stressing me out . . . but it is what it is. I'm so close to getting this out the door and into people's hands for real on the app store. There's no deadline from anyone, but it's there hanging out in the back of my mind.

SO . . . I know I have a legitimate stress problem, and I think I inherited a lot of it from my mom. She was a Type A personality that oozed stress. I mean, look at me. I can't just play a game and enjoy it; I have to write about it. I can't just play a game of D&D with a local nerd group; I have to make a whole comic book. I can't just have cancer; I have to make an album of music about it. 

STOP! Why am I like this?

Honestly, I just need to put on some soothing music, light a couple candles, and chill tonight. I think I'll feel a whole lot better. I don't need to log on to EverQuest. I don't need to write a talk. I don't need to do anything . . . although technically I guess I did just write a blog post about not turning everything into a project.

I did it again, didn't I? GOSHDANGIT!!

Happy Dueling