Random thoughts for context:
- The constant drip of cancer in my life is incredibly loud, and I don't know if it's made me naturally more reclusive?
- I don't want to be known as Tom, the dude who has cancer, but I guess it's too late for that. It's part of my story now.
- My new job isn't as satisfying as my old one, but I really love that I'm able to provide for my family. I'll take having a job over not having a job any day of the week.
- I'm just not thinking about video games as much anymore.
- I enjoy playing, but why does blogging about it feel exhausting at the moment?
- I mean, I have been blogging a bit, but just not here on TFN . . . and that's the more exciting thing that's been going on. I'm blogging about a weekly D&D game.
- That said, the blog I'm working on now reeks of AI art because I'm not an artist, I never have been and I feel guilty about using AI. ARGH.
- (I think in bullet points sometimes.)
Sigh. Ok, let me break down that brain dump . . . for my own sake:
Cancer -- Gosh dangit. Having cancer really sucks. There's the physical pain, but there's also the trouble of just going for infusions, money woes, mortality considerations, and just everything else. It's just a part of me now, and I can't escape it. The recent relapse made me realize that I'm far from being through the woods. This is going to be a lifetime battle.
I'm working on an album of music where my cancer story is the major theme, but it's slow going lately.
Job -- Gosh dangit. I'm just not passionate about my job now. It's just . . . a job. I do it well. I like my coworkers. I like the importance of what I'm doing. It's just not games nor blogging material. I mean, I probably could start a blog about Project Management for a government contractor, but it'd be kind of lame. I've learned a lot but . . .
I think someone out there might be saying, well, go get another job in the games industry then! Um, it's not that easy, plus the recent cancer diagnosis makes me feel like I can't put myself under that stress and uncertainty right now. It's a bit of a drag, but best to stay put.
New blog -- I'm playing D&D on Wednesday nights at a local game store! That's right, I actually found an interesting group, and rolling dice once a week with people around a table is really fun. I'm playing a goliath rogue, a walking paradox: the sneaky giant, Thotham. I love him!
AI art -- Gosh dangit. I mean, I feel a bit bad about this. I hate the idea that I'm using AI and being part of the massive social problem in front of us. On the other hand, AI art has made leaps and bounds from three years ago, and it's only getting better.
As I type that, I hear a cacophony of voices saying, "Yeah, better at stealing other people's art." You're right. You're right. And that's why I feel guilty.
Exhibit 1 -- Back in 2016 I was playing a D&D game with my family, Jeff Toney (an artist from work), and his daughter. We had a lot of fun, and I started a blog back then called "Althea and Company." Althea was the name of Jeff's daughter's character. She was a DPS monster.
I would draw a short three-panel comic to accompany the blog post. Obviously, I don't have a lot of talent when it comes to drawing, but Jeff seemed to love my little three-panel comics that went along with the post.
Now with AI, I'm able to take a sketch like that and fully flesh it out into something kind of cool. That new comic now looks like it could have come straight out of Dragon Magazine, and all it cost was a piece of some random artist's soul, my little sketch from 2016, and 10 minutes of AI time.
So now if you drop by Thotham's Journal, my new D&D blog, it has all my writing (I didn't use AI to write any of that), but the art is all AI. I will say that after using AI to make a bunch of storyboard panels, I am finding that telling AI what to draw is a bit like trying to creatively direct an incredibly talented 5-year-old with a continually melting crayon.
I've always been more of a storyteller than an artist. If I was rich, I could imagine dropping 100 bucks on an artist to hand-draw me a cartoon to go along with a blog post, but I'm far FAR from rich . . . so AI it is?
But what about Windrose -- Oh yeah, we finished what's available to play in that game, and I have lots of thoughts, but I just got blocked wanting to write about it. I don't know why. Maybe because Tipa already covered it? (She's still excited about blogging about vidja games, but where's my passion?) I guess I could just start typing and see what happens.
Anyway, I'm torn lately, and a bit blocked. I'm still here. I'm still writing. I'm still playing and enjoying games, but I'm also questioning my old passion. I guess more than anything, I just need to force myself to do it more often -- even if it is a rambling post with no central point.
Happy Dueling!
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